Escaping the Shadows of Conversion Therapy: My Journey to Self-Acceptance
Surviving Conversion Therapy: A Journey to Self-Acceptance and Resilience
Content and Trigger Warning: This article contains sensitive content related to conversion therapy. Reader discretion is advised.
In 2019, I found myself in the darkest depths of my own despair. A severe depressive episode had once again engulfed me, and with it came the intense shame that had haunted me for years—shame for having homosexual thoughts and for my actions. I had reached a breaking point. It was then that someone unexpected, Lisa Chew, entered my life.
Lisa Chew, an older Chinese Asian woman, seemed to have it all—married with two young children, a successful career, multiple properties, and a life in a gated community among the elite. She showed up in my life at a time when I was at my most vulnerable, promising me hope and change. She told me that I could be different, that I could escape my past. I was desperate for change, and so I agreed to follow her on a journey I would soon come to regret.
Entering Real Love Ministries' Befrienders Program:
Lisa enrolled me in a program called Befrienders, orchestrated by Real Love Ministries, founded by Reverend Edmund Smith. Reverend Smith, who claimed to have been cured of his transgenderism and homosexuality, saw himself as a changed man in Christ—a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). I didn't join the program to become straight or heterosexual; I joined because I was exhausted from a life of promiscuity and wanted to stop my self-destructive behavior.
Little did I know that the next two years would become the longest and most painful of my life. The Befrienders program, which I initially saw as a way to find redemption from my promiscuous past, would become a living nightmare.
Monitored and Controlled:
I soon found myself under strict surveillance and control. Reverend Smith told me that I wasn't "manly" enough, berated me for wearing pink or pastel-colored items, and even stalked my social media accounts. The shame was unrelenting. Every month, I was forced to attend meetings where Reverend Smith would lay his hands on me, claiming to cast out the "demon" of homosexuality. His actions were emotionally and mentally torturous.
The Role of Lisa Chew:
Lisa Chew, who was my befriender throughout this ordeal, had her own agenda. She saw me as the face of the ex-gay movement in Malaysia, a trophy to demonstrate that homosexuality could be "fixed" through faith. But her plans and Reverend Smith's practices only deepened my despair.
Finding My Breaking Point:
As the end of the second year approached, I hit rock bottom. I couldn't bear the constant shame anymore—the shame for how I dressed, for my interactions with colleagues and friends, for merely being myself. I knew I had to leave this harmful program behind.
I came to a profound realization: God had never shamed me. He had never abandoned me, even in my darkest moments (Romans 5:8). I had been searching for love, acceptance, and healing in all the wrong places, and it was time to embrace the unconditional love that God had always offered.
Breaking Free:
I left the conversion therapy program with scars, but I also left with newfound strength. Lisa Chew's parting words—declaring that I would perish in my supposed "sexual deviancy"—only fueled my determination to find self-acceptance and healing.
A Call to Action:
My story as a survivor of conversion therapy is a testament to the harm such programs can cause. I believe it's crucial to raise awareness about the dangers posed by Reverend Edmund Smith and Real Love Ministries. His practices have left a trail of emotional and psychological destruction.
I implore everyone to remember that God is love (1 John 4:8). Love covers a multitude of sins. My journey has led me to the truth that no one should be made to feel unworthy of God's love.
References to "Boy Erased":
The movie "Boy Erased" powerfully depicts experiences similar to mine within a conversion therapy program. I encourage you to watch the trailer and consider the harsh reality faced by many in such programs.
BOY ERASED | Official Trailer | Focus Features
Conclusion:
In conclusion, my journey has led me from the depths of despair to a place of self-acceptance and faith. My hope is that by sharing my story, I can help others avoid the pain I endured and find the strength to embrace God's unconditional love.
Resources and Links:
- More information on conversion therapy
- Support and resources for LGBTQ+ individuals
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